First of all – happy 2018, may it be a really great one for you and those you love.
So sorry to not be posting very often these days – change of pace of things and all that.
I want to ramble on about the good, the bad and the downright mean things I have experienced since I last posted, but I don’t think you need me to bore you with that.
I shall instead talk, if I may, on the value of people in our lives.
I speak of this, simply because I have been re-evaluating what different people have meant to me and how I want to take those relationships forwards in the New Year.
The strongest relationship I have is with my husband – my best friend, the love of my life. We’ve spent fifteen years together and I have never once gotten tired or bored of his company. We just have the easiest of silences and that unspoken language of those who have been in love for a long time. We bicker, fall out and disagree – because Christ, it’d be a miserable bloody relationship if we liked and thought identically all the time. Our differences are the things we admire about each other.
As my children grow, my relationships with them change to match. My older daughter is nine and 4’9”, with size 5 feet (I am also a size 5!) – she is growing at a rate of knots and I can hardly believe that this beautiful, funny, intelligent and kind hearted little girl is mine. I look at her every single day and think to myself how lucky I am that she is mine. She is like a dream, I cannot believe she is real and mine. I cannot get my head round the fact that she came from me, that I made her. I look at her every day and feel this magnetic pull in my heart towards her; the pull of maternal love and it is the best feeling in the world.
Then there is the littlest. A party packed into the body of a four year old – as soon as she figured out how to smile as a baby, she never stopped. Unless she is having a moody moment, as all four year olds are want to do. She is the happiest creature I have ever met. I have never met anyone so joyful and radiating such undiluted happiness. She isn’t just a ray of sunshine, she is the entire sun. She has this madness of curly blonde her and this wicked smile that she gives to everyone. She is a dear-hearted, fun-loving and expressive little girl. I cannot believe this baby I wake each morning to see is all mine and the love I have for her – oh my days.
I feel like I am going to wake up one day and find out that it was just all a dream; that Bobby was in the shower all along.
In my assessment of my family, I find I just love them more and comprehend how lucky I am to have such a great husband and such amazing kids. I don’t want to come across as everything is perfect – because it certainly isn’t and above all – that would be really Stepford-wife kinda creepy and weird.
I find I have grown closer to a couple of family members than I ever was before and that is a really significant step forwards for me. However, there have been other family who have drifted away and I kind of think that that is okay. I’m here, I am not going anywhere if they need me.
Friends – I have decided to simply stop emptying my head and my heart in a futile attempt to help. I see their issues, no doubt as clearly as they see mine and in some cases, I know I can’t help any more. Not without me getting hurt – so I’m recognising where the lines need to be drawn in a more final way.
Picture Credit: https://goo.gl/g4zKxw
Another relationship I am working on, is the one I have with myself. I have pledged to start loving me. Oscar Wilde said that loving oneself is the start of a lifelong romance and I intend on having that.
I am lacking in confidence and the ability to stop blaming myself for things that very simply were not my fault. It is going to be a tough journey to forgive myself and to love me as I am. I think sometimes, it is okay to let others pick up the tab for their own decisions, instead of me somehow thinking it was down to me when it wasn’t. I think it is important to note that in life. I think we need to recognise where we’ve gone wrong and learn from it, but to also be okay to apportion culpability to others bad behaviour. I am not responsible for the thoughts, words or actions of others and have pledged to stop sentencing myself over other people’s wrong-doing.
Forgive – but never forget (otherwise you learn nothing) and move on.
I feel fresh and ready to tackle this New Year, with its boundless opportunities and I cannot wait to share them with those I love and who love me.
I hope you all have similar wishes to me – to love, forgive and appreciate yourself a whole lot more.
It is good to be back 😉