I’ve been struggling to understand why I’ve felt more down than usual (even for me) over the past few days. I’ve eaten too much, struggled to concentrate and been barely able to sleep.
However, the answer is obvious and I think I’m hiding from it and trying to distract myself from thinking about it, but I cannot escape it.
10 years ago right now, as I type, I was pregnant with twins. I hadn’t been married a year, or been in our house a year.
This day 10 years ago, I was counting down the days until I could swap out my little hatch back Corsa and change it to a lovely new Vauxhall Meriva that was on order. We were expecting twins, so we needed a bigger car.
This day 10 years ago, I had absolutely no idea whatsoever what horror lay ahead of me. I had no idea that I was about to lose a chunk out of my heart and soul and nothing and no-one would ever fill those voids.
Oh, how I would like to go back to this day 10 years ago – to remember having those girls in my belly, kicking and wriggling and growing. Both of them tucked up, safe and warm inside of me, where they belong.
How painful and horrible it is going to be, to be looking down at their grass covered resting place instead of throwing a party and buying them too much stuff.
Where are my biggest girls? Part of me knows they are with my family in heaven, but there is that fearful part of me that doesn’t know.
All I’m getting from my entire self at the moment is this woeful agony. My basic instincts to be a mother to my babies is offended and raging.
All my heart is singing is “I want them back”, over and over again.
Time does not heal, that is just a shitty, flat out lie. Time gives you the opportunity to fill your head with the ‘what ifs’ and to torture yourself with the word ‘why’.
Time forces you to find a way to carry the burden of sheer delirious agony and to try and find something positive about your loss.
I buried two babies. TWO BABIES.
That will never be okay, I will never stop being enraged by that. I will never stop being destroyed and made whole by it every single day.
A mothers heart is a sacred place though. It is where we keep our babies, no matter where they are, forever. In our hearts, it is like they are in our wombs – they are safe, warm, thought of, loved, protected.
So as the 10 year anniversaries start slamming into us, one after another, I will at least hold onto the one positive I can think of: I am glad that I met them and I am glad they are mine.
You can read Lucy & Bryonie’s story here.
Always loved, never forgotten.