With the advent of spring, brings the rise of hope and expectation – new life, warmer days and bluer skies, scrubbed clean by the winters clouds, snow and rain. We emerge from the winter as animals from burrows – awake and alert for the prospect of better times.
That isn’t me. I’ve not always gotten on well with spring.
Frankly, spring is my least favourite season, with the backlog of misery it has brought me.
I lost my beloved grandmother, Catherine, in May 2000.
I got together with and then was discarded by the most horrible and vile of monsters in April (2 years apart).
I went into premature labour and gave birth to my beautiful girls in (labour in March and gave birth in April).
Lucy died in May, which is when we held her funeral. Her stillborn sister was buried in April.
I dealt with the grief of losing my girls and then the grief of losing my mother who died in February, all through the spring.
I’ve been pregnant three times through the spring, the latter times full of fear and uncertainty as it was full of the early stages. Both of those babies made it to term and were born healthy in the Autumn.
I could go on.
The spring is not a fun, great and lovely time for me. It is full of memories of bad times – of fear and horror. It is about being stuffed to the rafters with misery, heartbreak and devastation. The only ‘new’ it has ever brought, feels like new ways to feel outrageous, shocking pain and turmoil.
I’ve endured the worst of my lifetimes heart breaks through the spring, whether it was the loss of a beloved parent-like grandparent, the loss of a lover or the worst thing ever – the loss of children – I’ve been there and it all happened in the spring. It has always been during that time. Those gradually sunnier, warmer months.
I don’t have the birth of one of my other children to counter that either, or a proposal or marriage or event. It is just a time of misery.
I know I have endured the worst that life can throw at you and I can and have survived. However, I do not want to survive that every time spring has sprung. I do not want to feel like I need to get ready for another shit storm. I want to feel hopeful and it is so bloody hard to see things that way at this time of year.
Just knowing that Lucy and Bryonie’s 9th birthday will be here soon, along with the 16th anniversary of my Nan’s passing is so difficult to get through.
I try and find good, positive ways to remember them and I really do. I have turned my grief into something good in many ways.
Yet, it is that irrational fear that smothers me at the start of the sunnier months. That clean blast of spring air makes me feel like hell and I feel on my guard, ready for the next horrific life event that will break my heart.
One nice thing to record about spring, is that I went on my first date with my husband in May. This May, will mark 13 years of us being together and June will mark 10 years of marriage. There will be much celebrating.
I at least hope you, fair reader, have a much better time of it during your own spring.