I had to join a social network again as myself, but for work purposes. I just don’t want my personal account tied up with the work related activities I need to do as part of my job.
As always, I had to go through a little ritual that I go through each time I join a new social networking site, or have to sign up in a different way, such as creating a work account. The ritual involves me having the unpleasant task of putting in the name of a very unwanted part of my long distant past and any other names I can think of associated with it and systematically block them one by one.
I hate having to do this.
I hate being faced with the scorched bare reality that this horrible history can still pose a potential risk to both my family and I. That this thing, this creature, is out there and one day could potentially properly flip and come after me.
I hate thinking that this monster in the closet cannot be completely consigned to the appendices of my past where it belongs and I still have that red flag warning of danger hanging over me. The idea that I still must remain on my guard leaves a nasty taste in my mouth.
I try to be very matter-of-fact about it all and I do see it as a service to myself and my family that I have to locate this creature and anyone associated with it and neutralise the threat via the Ban Hammer. I feel sad for those that are associated with this monster – because I know what they have gone through/ are going through and that one day, they’ll probably end up like me, years and years later, still having to ban, still wary, still unsure when the moment will come when they properly lose the plot. All because they may deem you, in their twisted minds, to be the seat of all their problems – instead of being an adult and owning them and taking responsibility.
I had hoped moving to a different part of the country would make me feel safer and would neutralise its interest in me.
It is horrible, this ‘fear’, although I do see it as more of a niggling inconvenience these days than actual fear. An annoyance.
I guess it is slightly more palatable when I take into account that I have been a mother for a very long time too and that does make you more anxious to protect your family from any possible threat.
I’m someone who believes in the system, so I would absolutely contact the Police if this threat became realised. That goes without saying.
A few months ago, I even informally spoke to two Police Officers and asked their advice about the situation from that long ago time, apprised them of the history and talked of the possibility of historical crime charging. I was extremely relieved to see that there was a great amount of support out there for me and how I could act, should I need to. I could, if I chose to, finally get the justice I was too afraid to give my younger self.
But it is not something I want to act on. It is just something I know that helps me quell any worries I may have – but still, the Ban Hammer is a brilliant way to ensure the shady glare of the past is not able to focus on you.
This will all seem really weird and ambiguous to you, fair reader. I suppose I am also wondering if you also have to go through a similar ritual, where you grimly have to get the Ban Hammer out whenever you join something online because someone left a nasty stain on your past.
If you are like me, with a monster in the shadows too – don’t feel alone. A few of us have grotesque, abhorrent ghouls hiding in corners and it can feel like they still have some sort of power. Know one thing – they don’t. You are taking away their power to hurt, watch or scare you. You are robbing them of the voice they no doubt robbed you of.
So yes, as I brought out the Ban Hammer once more, I see it as a victory – that I am ensuring No Contact and any glimpse of me any detractor of my happiness has, is down to their very sad, very twisted little brains to interpret. Interpretation is all they have, because they don’t know you and are not acquainted with the facts, they gotta make stuff up to make sense in their heads and fit their crazed agendas. But the truth, should they ever want it? Get back under your bridge you troll, you have no power here.
Keep the faith and never back down,