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Jolts of the Painful Stuff

Do you know how sometimes when you think about something that was once fiercely painful a long time ago? Then you sometimes find it gives you a sudden jolt of pain when it, for some reason, comes back into the fore?

It is interesting how the pain of a long time ago, dealt with or otherwise, can still give a fizz, a jolt of pain. It’s as though the entire thing you went through, shattered into such tiny pieces over the landscape of your heart, that it left splinters. They’re too microscopically small to find, let alone pull out, but they still manage to remind you of something agonising when they do suddenly reactivate. Do you know that feeling?

It’s like when someone mentions the name of a loved one who has passed away. No-one really speaks about them and then bam – that lightning bolt rips across your torso. Don’t get me wrong, this is a good thing. It reminded you that you once had to go through the terrible agony of the initial shock of their loss and the various stages of grief in their passing.

It can also happen when you hear about someone you don’t talk to anymore having a baby or losing someone too, some life event to remind you that you used to care so much for them and for one reason or another, you won’t be around for that occasion or even be there for them.

Talking about the lost loved one is by no means a bad thing or a no-go area. It will not stop your emotional memory from zapping those pangs of pain back into life, like miniscule Frankenstein monsters dwelling about your soul.

Sometimes they stabs of pain can be a good thing – they can trigger positive action and positive thought, despite the pain they inflict. They can encourage you to remember what it is you have lost, what you have gone through and how strong you are. They can perhaps make you want to look through old photos, visit the grave or just find a moment of peace to think about things.

Don’t let them make you think – misleadingly – that you are still in that place and that you are not ‘over it’. Don’t mistake those sudden breathe-taking moments of bright pain for weakness. They are merely remembrances. In the same way they say old houses remember their former occupants by absorbing the energies of those who dwelled within its walls. There are ghosts in your head and these are their tiny calling cards.

But it is good to be haunted.

Sometimes you need the prompts to go over stuff, from the beginning and revisit each moment, good or bad and show yourself through each moment – that there was little you could have done and even then, the outcome was likely to be the same.

Either way – it was inevitable and it ended like this. Fair or not.

Just be kind to yourself that is all I am saying really.

I’m getting all touchy-feely with the tone of my posts recently, because I know that this is the time of year that people can deal with heightened emotions without even noticing. It is also where things seem to come to a head for so many people and families and situations.

I know how that feels. Christmas as a grieving mother was probably the worst one by miles. This year, I will have a new sensation in having a Christmas for the first time as a grieving daughter.

Other thoughts, other memories will however glow with pain when I think on them. It would be inhuman of me to ignore the enormity of some of the painful things I have been through.

Be a bit sad, revisit it all, get it out and have a good cathartic fist wave at fate, a shriek at the sky, an unending sob and a “sod it, let’s have a biscuit” about it.

The what ifs, they why nots and the could have beens will attack you at any time of year and bring those nasty splinters to the surface, like a magnet over iron filings. This time of year, the magnet it just stronger and electrified. Even during certain moments or other times of year.

You beat it once when it actually happened and you can do it again now when the embers begin to glow once more.

You are stronger than you think and you are never alone.

Cat x

 

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