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Dreams

Hope is meant to be the last thing we have left in our armoury when all else has failed. However, hope without action is meaningless in my view.

It’s like having a dream about becoming a concert pianist and never learning the piano. If you don’t do something about it, it is never going to happen. It will remain a dream and nothing more. No amount of hope or prayers is going to set the personal want free and make it real.

I could apply this to my own dreams, but that makes me no different from anyone else who strives to make more of themselves.

It all has to start with a dream though, doesn’t it? Regardless of whether we act on them, we have to have them. I suppose it is one of those things that make us people. It makes us who we are.

Whenever I speak to particular people, they want to know why I’m not earning a fortune and why I don’t have a brand new car or fabulous house. They want to know why I’m not ticking some strange, arbitrary list they have in their head as to where I should be in life, according to them.

The simple truth of the matter is, you must not know the first thing about me if you think I have not achieved my own dreams.

I’m never going to have those lovely materialistic things and I’m not going to be comfortable financially until I’m middle aged and even then… who really knows? I’d like to move house, definitely, but it’s not the be-all and end-all of my life.

For a few years in my 20’s, I confess I did lament how quickly the years passed and how little I felt I had done in that time. However, now in my more pragmatic 30’s, I’ve come to realise that I had managed to achieve my greatest dream: being a mum.

I haven’t had children to fulfil my own wants and needs. No-one should have a child for selfish purposes. My children represent, as nauseating as this is, the love between my husband and I. Does that sound a bit twee? It doesn’t matter, because however you try to look at it, it remains fact.

Having children, for us, was a natural extension of our marriage. One that is essential to the progression and continuance of the human species to be sure, but one that represents the bond I have with my husband.

I know people say ‘don’t have kids because of blah blah blah’, but to me that just represent their personal hang ups, not mine. Yes, it costs more than we have to bring up kids and we have bugger all at the end of the day, but what would I use that money on instead? Holidays? Cars? My life is redundant without my children. They are worth more than any monetary value could be set at. They are priceless. Each human being is priceless.

It irks me when people cannot get drugs for illnesses or certain operations, simply because what they need is seen as too expensive. How? A drug or an operation costs money. Money is not alive. A human being is priceless and absolutely cannot be replaced.

Ultimately, it is only money.

Of course, I do wish I had more, simply because I’d love to be able to give my kids everything they’d dream of and the best life style money could buy. But I can’t.

Instead, I know I can give my children a happy, loving, safe and healthy environment where they know they are loved and looked after always. Having little does not mean a child will grow up to be a certain type of person at all.

From others, I am continually told my third daughter is such a happy, chatty, wonderful little girl. Most people can’t get over how far on she is for her age. That is the best compliment ever as a Mum. I’d rather someone remarked on her as a person than what clothes she wears or what toys she has. Telling me that they think she is a happy, lovely little girl is the best compliment ever.

I wish I was half of what she is when I was her age.

I do mention her as my ‘third’ daughter, as she isn’t my eldest. She’s my oldest living child I suppose, but she is one of four. My eldest two passed away in early infancy (go to my ‘About’ page on here to read more about that if you wish).

I’m proud of all of my children and in some unique ways too. I barely knew my second daughter, but as her Mummy, I knew her well in my own way. She was as fragile a snowflake and just as perfect and unique. I knew how she slept and how she moved. I knew her smell and I knew her features.

All children are indelibly linked to their mothers hearts and souls, even in a way different to the way they are with their fathers.

As I keep telling my third babe “Mummy’s know everything”.

That is my dream. To have my four pretty daughters in my heart and soul, to work hard for them and to make them feel safe, loved and wanted always. I’m living my dream.

I’m not going to travel the globe or write an award winning novel, but I am going to do the ordinary, that for me, is extraordinary. I’m going to slog away at the coal face of life to make sure I can give my daughters what they need, regardless of whether they are with me otherwise.

As a bereaved parent, you’d be surprised as to the amount of things you continually still need to do for your children. Just because they are not here, does not stop you from being their Mum and being responsible for them. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Maybe the nay-sayers of my life will look at it as ill-spent and without the tapping of any potential, but for me? I have reached my goal.

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Dream come true… My man and me

Oh, I have other dreams too. I’m the wife of the most gorgeous, handsome, clever, funny, caring, warm, beautiful, silly, wonderful man alive. I married my best friend as well as the love of my life. We just fit and always have. It’s not always easy, but we just can’t be cross or annoyed at each other for long. He is the epitome of the concept of a soul-mate. And he’s mine. 10 years together and we still find more reasons to love each other every day. We are sickeningly in love.

Not big dreams by most people’s standards I’m certain, not going to change the world, but for what they are and for how much value you put on them, they are still mine and I have them.

This notion reminds me, that during difficult periods in my life were hope seems very scarce, I am not as far behind where I want to be than I really, actually, am.

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