I suppose I should start writing about more general things on my blog, simply because I’m going to end up repeating myself. I write about writing over on Limebird Writers, but here? It’s more about me, a vain entreaty if you will.
The New Year is here and I have some big personal plans for the coming months. One of them is particularly life changing, but I can’t talk about it here (or anywhere else for that matter) just yet. You’ll simply have to engage in some patience, dearest reader.
We spent Christmas at my Dad’s in St. Helens. I do miss the old place from time to time. I think it is simply natural to long for the place you grew up in, to an extent. Maybe not so much some of it… but certainly the friends and family I so rarely see. It’s a funny old business going ‘home’ isn’t it? Viewing a place with world-weary, adult eyes. Things seem smaller and less magical somehow, as if your childhood naivety alone made it simply more interesting and lovelier.
I lived in St. Helens for 18 years. Ormskirk in Lancashire for 3 years and then the wilds of Yorkshire for the rest of the 30 years I have been alive for.
When I first moved to Yorkshire, it was a fairly terrifying prospect – to leave behind the familiar and take on the new. I had no money, no job and a simple desire to succeed. I was 21 and rather idealistic, I must say. Now? At lot of that vivacity and tenacity has been sapped out of me directly. I have little will to push further in personal success.
My biggest focus has always been my husband and my children. That focus came sharply into view when I first became a mother at the age of 24.
It’s odd how much life changes and contorts around you. I have changed unrecognisably from the person I once was before I became a mother and I find that quite fascinating.
I get the whole feminist thing about women being more than just baby and home makers, but for me? That’s just a wonderful, beautiful joy that I find the most precious. Well, being a mother. Not the home making bit.
That said though, I would 100% much rather be at home rearing my baby than at work. My daughter is growing up too fast and I am missing it. I don’t have the luxury of being able to stay at home and care for her. I don’t want a career anymore, I just want to be a Mum. Nothing would make me happier than being able to stay at home with her all the time. Seriously – the fun we’d have!
For my Secret Santa for Limebird Writers, I dumped all my poetry into an eBook, added some art work, made a front cover, added professional looking bits like ‘about the author’ a ‘foreword’ and even a bit about copyright. All the poems were written between the ages of 16-24. I have not written another poem since.
I did it all for Limebird Amber, in the hope that she would either like it or question my sanity. Which is nice really.
I had such a weird, bizarre idea of self going on when I was younger. I wasn’t a terribly good poet in the most part. Most of the time, I was very lame and cheesy. Stuff you’d get out of a badly written greetings card. Some of it so toe-curlingly embarrassing that I wouldn’t even finish reading it. But I can’t erase it. It was me as I was back then. I was a kid and that was the sum of my skill and imagination at the time – who can call that bad? It’s a photo, a snap shot of the poet as a young woman. I like that, I like the raw honesty in the form and feel. It delivers something true and raw about me. Who is anyone to criticise that work? You’re not criticising me, the 30 year old adult. You’re criticising a 16 year old kid, or a heartbroken 20 year old, or a grieving and mixed up 17 year old girl. I was all of those people when I was writing. Those poems still belong to those young women – who are all stored in me now.
I have no plans to publish it. For the love of Ghandi, who’d even buy it/ want to read it?! Ha. It made a nice Secret Santa though.
I suppose if you’re desperate, I’ll send you out a copy if you e-mither me or DM me on Twitter (@Cat_Mercer), but it’s nowt happy-dance-inducingly incredible.
Oh well, enough of my inane jabbering!
Happy new year one and all!